"I can’t exactly describe how I feel but it’s not quite right. And it leaves me cold."

14/04/14

Weed, benzos and Trainspotting

13/04/14

Callan always hates when I don’t tell him how I’m feeling but then when I do I’m met with silence. It feels so invalidating. Why does he think that I never talk in the first place?

12/04/14

Tripping balls tonight with Kieran and Misch and Shane. I’m already drunk/stoned so this should be interesting I guess.

12/04/14

I sent a long and honest but blunt message to Dylan yesterday and he hadn’t seen it before I went out and he’s probably responded over night and I’m really anxious about what he’s said back. I feel bad about some of the things I said but at the same time he probably deserved to hear it. Everything I said was the truth and if he doesn’t like then that’s his problem. He’s the one that’s been harassing me to talk to him anyway. I hope my words fucking impact him in some way - I hope they mean SOMETHING. He needs to understand that you can’t treat people however the hell you want.


Junip - Without You
06/04/14

I’ve been driving myself crazy lately, thinking myself in circles and getting into a paranoia-fueled panic that I can’t get out of. I’m finding it hard to trust anyone because I can’t stop convincing myself that everyone is talking about me behind my back and trying to take something from me. I’m suspicious of friends because I think they have some sort of ulterior motive behind being my friend so I’m constantly isolating myself and it feels awful to not want to see anyone because I’m so lonely and needy. I hate that I’m not able to force myself into making an effort with anyone because it looks like I don’t care, but I care so much and that’s what’s making me so afraid. For so many years now I’ve been comfortable in my group and I thought that I would be for a long time but everything has changed so fast and now I feel completely insecure about who I am and where I stand with everyone. I’m so worried that it’s over; time for us to move on, time to be replaced. My position in peoples’ lives feels threatened. I’m not special anymore. I felt important and needed. Maybe if I didn’t have BPD things would be different, or the situation wouldn’t be hitting me so hard. I hate that I crave constant attention and that I have to pretend I don’t because I don’t want people to think badly of me, and it’s confusing because at the same time I’m pushing everyone away. I don’t want to become annoying and attached and unable to make it through the day without a hand to hold or a substance to fall back on because you can’t go through life that way. But I’m stuck in this loop of anger and hatred and fear where nothing feels right anymore and I just want to give in to all my irrational ideas and thoughts because they’re so loud in my head. I wish that I could relax and accept how things have turned out but it’s impossible when I keep telling myself that it’s all gone horribly wrong and it’s only going to keep getting worse. People don’t want me around because I’m so bitter and I make them choose between me and other friends, and I feel betrayed if I’m not number one. Eventually everyone will stop choosing me because I’m being so selfish and unfair because I’m hurting so much and I can’t deal with my feelings in any normal or healthy way. I just want to feel safe and secure and like I belong somewhere but I can’t while nothing in my life is stable.

30/03/14

DBT isn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. I like my psychologist (Tanya) and I understand myself a little better now that I know I have borderline personality disorder. I still feel weird thinking that that’s what I have but it makes so much sense that I can’t believe I’ve never been diagnosed with it before. A part of DBT is group therapy. Tanya thinks that rather than going into the group for people that self harm that I should go into the group for people with eating problems. I don’t think I have an eating disorder but I definitely have some sort of problem with food.

I went to Centrelink last week for an assessment to try and get more help from my job agency and I ended up with 6 months exemption from job seeking which is pretty cool. The lady I spoke to at the assessment said I need time to sort myself out first, and she also thinks that I really need to see a psychiatrist. I think I need to as well, but money is a real problem and I’m not sure that mum can or is even willing to pay for me to see one.

As much as I feel like everything is steadily getting a lot worse than it’s been in forever (I’m drowning fast), I feel proud of myself for getting some real help for the first time in my life. I just hope I can make myself stick with it.

16/03/14

It’s 6:30am and I’ve been awake 10 minutes and I’m already panicking. My friend keeps Snapchatting me pictures of him hanging out with Jemma and I’m really, really freaking out over the fact that I’ve probably been replaced because recently every time he asks me to hang out (which has been quite often) I always blow him off. I don’t want to see him but I’m jealous of anyone else who does and it feels especially bad because I already felt like Dylan replaced me with Jemma as well. I just feel hopeless and my head is so erratic and all over the place. My mind keeps telling me that Jemma is stealing all my friends from me and even though I know it’s not true I can’t help thinking it anyway and it’s bringing me down so much and making me distance myself from everyone even more which in turn strengthens the feeling that I’m being replaced. It’s a really stupid and shitty place to be it.